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real girls shake fake girls hate

June 29, 2011


10 things you could do with 100 smoothies from mcdonald’s:

1. pour them in your tucked-in shirt so it looks like you have a smoothie baby
2. leave all of them stacked outside your boyfriend’s front door so tomorrow you’ll know if he lied about staying in reading because you also put pink paint in the smoothies and now it’s on his shoes
3. tell 100 people you are going to give them a free smoothie from mcdonald’s and then throw it on the ground right in front of them while you yell ‘whoops’
4. leave them on the floor in your house and close your eyes while you walk around and see if you are psychic
5. throw a smoothie off a bridge every second for 1 minute and 40 seconds
6. pretend they are your children and give each one a different name, then see if you can remember them in order of most to least favorite
7. leave a smoothie trail of everywhere you went for a week and then collect the ants for ant farms that you can give as gifts next christmas or hanukkah
8. trade them for an order of crazy bread
9. get asked out on 100 dates when you drink them really sexy out of the straw
10. try to drink them all at once using 100 really long straws and sitting in the middle of all of them like you’re in spiderman the smoothie’s web

ya down with ept ?

June 28, 2011

Did anyone ever tell you that some things are worth waiting for but then you went home with them and then bought a pregnancy test because those results are absolutely not worth waiting for especially when there are like one million places you can go to take the GD EPT and get it over with?

The girls’ bathroom at Spiderhouse was always full of used preg tests (not mine), and once a friend made me go to WhichWhich with her on the drag so she could take one between classes. Not the best places to take one, but maybe not the worst. Annecy and I have settled on the 50 least desirable places to find out YOU’RE HAVING A BAYBEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!

me: when you get out of line at the great white roller coaster at seaworld and then cant ride bc of the baby

annecy: when you go to your doctor and she tells you you’re 7 months along so you can’t abort

at brunch with your grandma

me: after u od on plan b

annecy: at central booking

me: when u wake up from lipo

annecy: when the mormons show up at your door

me: after u get a tattoo on yr belly that says “no room at the inn”

annecy: after you get a tattoo on your belly of a deflated balloon

annecy: in the laundromat after your clothes catch on fire

laundromat dryers get super hot

after waking up from a dream where you missed your last classes and never graduated and realize that you actually did miss those classes

me: after you find out yr boyf is psychic and wasn’t calling u baby but was really talking to your belly

annecy: hahahaha

at the wine bar where you just threw up but u can’t tell if it was wine or baby

me: haha

while you’re watching babies the documentary

while you’re having sex watching babies the documentary

annecy: ew and you’re white so you know you’re going to have the most boring one

me: and that dad is whoever made you watch it and then put a move on you

annecy: when you’re at the movie store and some dude is reeeeally pushing you to rent babies the documentary

me: right after you buy a mystery groupon but it’s for ten free rentals of babies the documentary

annecy: when you’re at an interview for your dream job making documentaries and they’re about to say “you can have this job but you can’t be pregnant”

documentaries about babies

me: right after you have your tubes tied and you’re recovering in the hospital bedroom and the nurse turns on the tv and babies the documentary is on

annecy: hahahah

annecy: when you’re about to drift into a peaceful slumber, as i am now, and a giant man jumps in your room and says “you’re pregnant, bitch!”

me: hahahaha

when your’e standing in line to buy nerds at the deli and the man behind you in line who you think is about to reach for something on the counter whispers ‘you’re pregnant’ in your ear

annecy: hahahaahahahah

yeah if anyone whispered that in my ear i’d freak out

me: WHISPERING MEANS IT’S TRUE

annecy: zackly

me: that’s how i’ll tell someone if i ever become preg

annecy: !!!!

hahhahaha’

annecy: gnite

i hope i don’t dream that i’m preg

me: me 2! twice in 1 week*

*Earlier this week I dreamt I was 6.5 months pregnant with Vince’s kid and had to tell Coach Taylor…

Like a hawk in a sky, that flies, and you were my prey

June 27, 2011

A succinct review of the Nighthawk Cinema:

It is not the same as the Drafthouse. The tables are too small but they did have queso but they had terrible pre-show entertainment but it was only $11. They really play up the “hawk” part of “nighthawk” which is probably my least favorite half of that word. But, I did get to walk there and then walk home, which was pretty tite.

(I should also mention that the amount of dirt on my hands was not the Nighthawk’s fault)

Top 5 favorite lady product mascots

June 26, 2011

(‘lady’ modifies ‘mascot’, not ‘product’ ok????)

5.  Mrs. Meyer

Ok, she makes only very rare appearances on her products, and she does not try very hard to get my clothes clean, but holy shit that basil hand soap smells so good.

4. The Chicken of the Sea mermaid

She’s probably a lesbian, right? She kinda looks like Miley Cyrus?

3. The Droste Cocoa lady

She is Dutch, she brings you chocolate on a tray, and the Droste cocoa bag on her tray has a picture of her holding another tray with another Droste cocoa bag with a picture of her holding another Droste cocoa bag forever and ever and ever! Infinity!!!!!

2. Belle the Blue Bell Ice Cream cow

Belle, damn you! Damn you, Belle! Moolennium Crunch? It’s 2011! Look at her giant udders. They are so full of ice cream.

1. Cholula (?) the Cholula lady

Yo don’t know donde I’d be sin this señora, making mi vida more caliente. Thank tu, Cholula. Thank tu.

Woofbuzz succinctly reviews 2 movies: X-Men: First Class and Super 8

June 20, 2011

X-Men

God, Michael Fassbender is, like, you know, sech a henk (say it like Loryn from Valley Girl), and some of the mutants really got the short end of the stick with their powers. TWO POINT FIVE STARS

Super 8

I want Kyle Chandler to be my dad? The monster has stunning eyes, like that girl in the National Geographic photo. THREE STARS

They made out like bandits all. night. long.

June 19, 2011

You know that movie Shutter starring Joshua Jackson? It’s not very good.  I watched it on mute while I was eating beef & chili pepper soup at M Noodle.  But I could tell that if the sound had been on, it just would’ve been worse.  Joshua Jackson still looks like a baby! I finished my soup before the movie was over and when I got back home, I looked up the ending.  *Spoiler Alert*: at the end of the movie Joshua Jackson has terrible back pains and his scale tells him he weighs much more than he should. It turns out that the ghost of his dead Japanese lover is sitting on his shoulders!!!!! AHHHH! I thought ghosts were made of air? Or ether? Or Devon Sawa?

she really does not look that heavy, right?

Joshua Jackson in Shutter and I have a similar predicament, it seems.  I too feel like the ghost of my Japanese lover has been sitting on my shoulders.  I have terrrrrrrible posture.  It’s so bad.  Sometimes I catch glimpses of myself in car windows or on the security camera at the bank and I think, “My god, who is that unfortunate, hunched girl?” I also notice that my face seems to have been put on crooked but that’s a whole other bag of insecurities.  My posture makes my back and neck and shoulders ache. It makes me stick my belly out, which inevitably invites stupid idiots to ask me if I’m expecting (EXPECTING WHAT?! EXPECTING TO GO HOME LATER AND PROBABLY GO TO BED AT A REASONABLE TIME? EXPECTING NATALIE PORTMAN TO WIN THE OSCAR?EXPECTING TO GET QUESTIONS ABOUT MY IMAGINARY UNBORN CHILD? ). 

Bad posture hurts so much.  I’ve looked up how to cure it and one thing Mr. Internet says is to imagine that a helium balloon is attached to the crown of my head, pulling it up.  I do try to do that, but my stupid dead Japanese lover sits on the balloon and pops it! Mental tricks only work if you remember to do them.  Then, before you even realize what’s happening, your spine melts back to its original S position, belly out, shoulders forward. Hunchy. 

I’ve figured out what to do, though.  It’s sort of like tying a string around your finger (but how will I remember what the string stands for?).  Internet told me to draw a stick figure and tape it somewhere so that when I see it, I’d be reminded to sit up straight.  I can do one better: I’m drawing a stick figure on my hand, and on that stick figure’s shoulders would be the ghost of Joshua Jackson’s dead Japanese lover, and on her head would be a helium balloon.

Problem solved.

Lookin good feelin good

June 11, 2011

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Sometimes you feel like the luckiest woman in the world. On Wednesday that woman was me. FREE TANS! Omg yall. And just like that I forgot about my broken computer and Princess Diana and the Left Behind book series. Maybe this will save me and Annecy the pain of sitting on my roof and burning our butts, unless that’s exactly what the email is about. I don’t know i haven’t read it yet.