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Call me Willy Whistle cuz I can’t speak, baby

June 4, 2011

One of the only things I like about summer besides Christie’s tan is watermelon.   Cold watermelon.  That shit you buy at street fairs in the cups is all warm and mushy.  If I want warm and mushy I’ll just poke my stomach fat and/or stick my finger down my throat (these two things are related).  Goodflow used to make the most delicious watermelon juice. When you bought it, it was melon on the bottom and water on the top, then you shook shook shook it and drank it as fast as possible and your hangover was gone. So it makes sense that the Texas Department of Agriculture decided to be a bunch of comb overs and shut Goodflow down. RIP.

Speaking of RIP, or not RIP-ing, I found out today about VAMPIRE WATERMELONS! According to Balkan folklore, anything left out on a full moon becomes a vampire – melons, pumpkins, children, Christie, basketballs – anything! And if you keep a watermelon 10 days after Christmas (you shouldn’t; they’re not in season), it will become a vampire.  But watermelon vampires were/are so adorable.  Apparently they didn’t kill you, they just “make a sound like ‘brrrl, brrrl, brrrl!’ and begin to shake themselves” !! Those Balkan folk weren’t afraid of them because they didn’t have any teeth (and also because they were delicious? maybe?). AWWWW QUE CUTE, or in Serbian,  vrlo oštrouman!

those are supposed to be bat wings, but i didn't go to art school yall

The next full moon – June 15 – I encourage you, gentle readers, to leave your watermelons outside.  Also try leaving your cats outside. Or your phones or your shoes or your neck scarf. Or a clove of garlic (yeah right!). But for now, I’ll share with you my favorite watermelon recipe.


1 personal size watermelon


1 gigantic watermelon

1 cartoonishly big knife

1 cutting board or your bed

1 your mouth and digestive system

1 set of jeans with deep pockets

Cut the watermelon in half lengthwise.  Reattach your fingers. Lay the watermelon cut side down and slice in half again. Reattach your fingers. Lay the watermelon on one of its cut sides and slice into triangles.  Eat it really fast and spit the seeds all over the place.  Then, when you hear your roommate’s footsteps ascending the staircase, panic, gather the seeds and then as she opens the door, stuff them in your pockets.  Forget about them, then find them later when you take your clothes out of the dryer.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. June 5, 2011 5:51 pm

    Those vampire watermelons sound kind of charming. Did you see there’s an apparent rash of exploding watermelons in China? Now those sound terrifying!

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