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My side split open and my guts fell out and I DIED

May 18, 2011

One time in 5th grade, Martin H. and I were sitting next to each other in Ms. Pruett’s janitor-closet-sized classroom and for some reason I had the giggles and so did Martin.  Then I looked over at him, and he was giggling, and this huge wad of snot fell out of his nose. And I lost my shit.  He looked like this except there was much more snot:

Anyway it was one of those laughs that happen maybe twice a year, where the laugh seems to propel itself and then you’re out of control and you can’t breathe and your 5th grade teacher is telling you to shut up and do your long division and everyone’s staring at you and you’re way past thinking that thing is funny but you JUST CAN’T STOP.  It feels like you could die! Like you could literally die.

In fact, people have died from laughing! Wikipedia, a boutique Science website, has a section on laughing death’s pathophysiology, a word that I don’t understand, and this section is filled with even more words that I don’t understand, like ‘lability’ and ‘infarction’ (which is a hilarious word!).  The deaths are sad, yeah, but they’re also kiiiiiiiiiinda hilarious.  You could die from laughing from reading about these people dying from laughing.  Metalaughdying.  So here’s some good examps from history:

  • In 1989, a Danish man was watching A Fish Called Wanda and he laughed so hard his heart was beating 250-500 beats per minute and he died from cardiac arrest!
  • In 1975, 50-year old Englishman Alex Mitchell died after laughing for 25 minutes while watching this show called The Goodies.  The sketch that got him was about a Scotsman fighting black pudding with his bagpipes.
  • In 300 B.C. or so, this Greek emmereffer philosopher died after getting his donkey drunk and then the donkey got drunk-hungry and tried to eat figs and that was hil-AR-ious and the philosopher just died laughing.  It’s hilarious because EVERYONE KNOWS DONKEYS HATE FIGS!!!!! HAHAHAHA LOLOLOLOL!!!!!

See? Aren’t those deaths hilarious? Ok the first two aren’t but the last one oh my god.

You know what’s not hilarious but seems like it should be? Tickle torture.  Maybe you’ve never been a little girl with a malicious older sister who was much stronger than you, but tickle torture is torture.  You know something is torture if an ancient Chinese dynasty or Nazis did it and, and guess what! THEY DID. I’ll just leave you with this weird picture that I don’t really understand but it has boobs and butts.

9 Comments leave one →
  1. Toddy permalink
    May 18, 2011 10:42 pm

    Dear Annecy. I love this. Goodbye.

  2. tiffanie permalink
    May 19, 2011 11:10 am

    I almost died laughing once while watching Sister Act in French! It is a miracle I am still alive.

    There is a part where Whoopi (Goldberg) says, “Yeahhh…” but whoever dubbed it over in French says “OUUUIIIIIIIII” Wicked Witch of the West(TM) style.

  3. gabriele mccormicki permalink
    May 19, 2011 2:22 pm

    I nearly died from laughter last sunday in the kitchen in the cafe – but alas, I peeped in my pants instead!

  4. May 23, 2011 12:28 am

    I love having laughing attacks. Just pushing the limit. I had one at a Mexican restaurant. They made us leave.

  5. Anonymous permalink
    November 27, 2012 5:59 pm

    Goodness she is so very ticklish :-p

  6. Allison permalink
    July 19, 2013 8:24 am

    Tickle torture is no laughing matter. This year when I came come to babysit my little sister for the week I came with my first encounter. Just to get things straight, I’m 20 years old and she is only 12. On the first night I attack her and tickle her for a good 10 minutes. As she begs me to stop I just say, ” what?” And “I can’t hear you!”. And finally stopped when I went out with the girls. As I come home at around 2:00 am I am not aware that she created a tickle torture device on the couch where she knew that I was going sit for another hour or so. And she was right, as I don’t notice the wrist and ankle cuffs at the head and foot of the couch i plop down with my martini. And just to get a picture in your head I was wearing expensive miss me jeans and expensive stiletto high heel my lower half basically looked like this . Anyway as I wasn’t looking she cuffed my boots with out me noticing and quickly moved her way around the couch and stretched my arms out and cuffed them as we’ll not even taking off my tight leather jacket. As I’m trying to squirm all I see is her appear from the coffe table where my martini was. She of corse stood in front of my drinking it. She said, “you better save your energy because your going to be doing a lot more squirming tonight!” And she downed the rest of the martini. And I cried, “what are you going to do to me?” And she simply just started to tickle me. From 2:30 to 4:45 am I was apparently tickled. She only stopped tickling when I finally soiled my miss me jeans. And yes I did, I both pooped and peed my expensive jeans. And she left me coluffed there till the next morning in that mess and tickled me a little more. I know my lesson now to never mess with her again but she still does it to me, and again she will only stop after I crap and piss my pants. I have ruined miss mes, rock revivals, and even true religion. It’s only Wednesday and I’m baby sitting her until Monday morning…..

    • Allison permalink
      July 19, 2013 8:32 am

      I guess you could say I’m allergic to tickling. :/ and also as I get tickled I bribe her to stop with the money from my purse. I’ve lost around $1,000 dollars in only five days. And she doesn’t stop either she just takes the money and tickles some more!

  7. October 25, 2013 9:59 pm

    メンズ 腕時計 ランキング

  8. November 8, 2013 6:16 am

    All people hate their jobs and two of 3 initiate blackmail, primary it to their whole next achievable option: get rid of each and every other’s employers.

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