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Hail to the guardians blahblahblah

April 23, 2011

Between 1995 and 1997 I saved money for two things: Disney trading cards and a trampoline. The cards made me as popular as a wet blanket, but the trampoline — BY GOD THE  TRAMPOLINE. It was hanging in SAM’S Club on the back wall, waiting, beckoning, taunting me more than anything else in the world ever had and ever would. Up until then I had gone to my sort of friend Katy’s house where we would watch The Craft and then jump and then try to recreate the spells from the movie. Needless to say she was cool (and blonde and her dad worked for the Spurs) and I wanted to be cool which meant having friends over to jump on a trampoline and watch witchy things.

My parents ruled and put it all together before I woke up one day and then I bouncedbouncedbounced and imagined what people would be saying when they found out that I was 1. makin tons of dough on the babysitting circuit and 2. one of very few trampoline owners in my grade:

did you hear christie got a ‘line

what? cool. maybe we can go to her house instead of katy’s.

yea freal. that sounds really fun and stuff. 

i know. and katy is dumb and boring and i heard she stuffs. 

and xtie is soooo-> much prettier

Turns out, anyone who came over was forced to watch the safety video before they could use the trampoline. And then only one person could jump at a time. I don’t know how many times I told my parents, it is IMPOSSIBLE TO CRACK THE EGG IF YOU ARE PLAYING ALONE. If you are like my parents and don’t know what I’m talking about, take a look:

I do not recommend doing what she does at :26 in unless you want someone’s body slammed into your crotch in the least sexy way possible. I almost got a trampoline from a neighbor in Austin but he only offered to roll it down the street halfway to my house (??), and based on the time I tried to move a queen sized mattress myself it would have been Final Destination for me.

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