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Strangers with pets

March 19, 2011

In what could be the most bizarre murder case ever in history, a 19-year-old Bushwick brat slammed her 9-year-old brother’s hamster on the floor, obliterating it.  This was after the 25-year-old brother of the boy had murdered a first hamster (named Princess Stephanie, best hamster name ever) by kicking it while it was in an exercise ball.  The whole thing is so strange.  But do you know what the 2 strangest parts are?

  1. This family has twelve (12) children. Catholic? Or horny?
  2. The mother said that violence runs in the family, telling the Times that “32 years ago, my brother strangled my sister to death.” She was holding a flashlight under her face at a campfire during the interview and then she yelled “boo!” before bursting into flames and disappearing.

I can’t think of worse pet owners than a family of 13 or 14 with a genetic violent streak, exceeeeeept for maybe Jerri Blank in Strangers with Candy. In addition to being a boozer, user and two-time loser, Jerri is more than likely a sociopath. She seemed to really like her animals, though, but they almost always died by the end of the episode.

There was Shelly the turtle, who died after being driven through a glass window with a golf club by a student who’d eaten glint-spiked hot fruit. RIP, Shelly!

Then there was Dizzy the baby, who Jerri decided to leave in a playground swing to go throw rocks at the Indian. Dizzy didn’t die, but he/she was nearly sold to on the black market. (side note: Dizzy the baby was played by twins Maura & McKenna Leaden and must be, like, 13 now?)

Next was Leslie the albino python. I’m pretty sure Leslie was the only pet to make it out of an episode alive, but she only made one appearance before Jerri stuffed her in the locker, so maybe she did die. If she’d lived, surely she would’ve come to the all-white production of Raisin in the Sun. Line!

Oh Clawson the Lobster, how inconvenient for you that that giant lobster pot just happened to be boiling during Jerri’s struggle with her step-mother.  If only Jerri had agreed to spy on that r-tarded girl, we could have avoided the whole delicious, succulent mess.  RIP Clawson.

I wish Princess Cluckers and Prince Weasel had been more compatible.

Suki the Japanese Silky sacrificed her life so that bulimic Jerri could live. Too bad being fat means you suck at debate. RIP Suki.

Finally there’s Gregory the woodpecker, who has sort of a non-sequitur death in Mr. Noblet’s glove compartment? I don’t know. RIP Greg.

A couple lessons to be learned here: Don’t buy pets if your family has a history of violence, unless that pet is a hamster, because there are millions of hamsters. Don’t let Jerri Blank pet sit your pet, because it might end up being cooked and also Jerri Blank doesn’t exist.

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