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My cup runneth over with jealousy

March 14, 2011

Well, four slot machines and I won four cars. You know, I put a dollar in, I got a car. I put a dollar in, I got a car. I put a dollar in, I got a car. I put a dollar in, I got a car.
Rusty Griswold, Vegas Vacation

Yesterday I noticed a seemingly innocuous FB status update from my good pal, Molly Washam:

My parents just won a million dollars?

I said to myself, I said, “No, Molly Washam, that doesn’t happen to people I know.  Just like how people I know don’t exercise or die from flesh-eating bacteria.”  But then I saw Molly later at a party and she confirmed that her parents had in fact won not $1 million, but $1.2 million.

Not my parents, unfortunately

“YOUR PARENTS GOT INDECENT PROPOSAL-ED AND YOUR MOM IS GOING TO MARRY ROBERT REDFORD NOW. I HOPE YOUR NEW STEPDAD ROBERT REDFORD IS NICE TO YOU…NOT!” is what I didn’t yell at Molly.

Turns out Mr. & Mrs. W got 5 Indiana Joneses on the slots.  Do you know what the chances are of that happening? Odds of winning the top prize at maximum coin play can range from 1 in 4,096 to 1 in 33,554,000, according to this website that is warning me against gambling.  Molly’s parents are telling me something different. “If we can do it, so can you, girl we don’t know. It’s so easy,” they gently whisper in my imagination’s ear.

Some other odds worth mentioning:

  • Dying from falling down the steps: 1 in 6,330 (terrifying, right?)
  • Odds of having two sets of identical twins: 1 in 70,000 (also terrifying)
  • Odds of being able to afford to have Vincent Gallo father your children: 1 in 31 (in the United States), now including Molly’s parents.
  • Odds of wanting Vincent Gallo to father your children: hopefully something like 1 in 308,745,538 (current population of the US)

But I digress. What was I talking about? Oh yeah, how jealous I am of Molly and my potential gambling addiction. In my particular world view, the grass is not only greener on the other side, it is also made of the softest feathers but also made of money somehow.  Maybe it’s because I’ve been watching too much Strangers with Candy, but I feel like there is a valuable, if warped, lesson to be learned:

Cherish what you have, unless what you have isn’t as much as what someone else has.  Also gambling is a slippery slope! But there might be a million dollars at the top of that slope so put some suction cups on your hands and go for it!

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5 Comments leave one →
  1. Katrina permalink
    March 15, 2011 3:30 am

    Vincent Gallo is at San Jose he wants maple syrup and no fatties.

    • March 15, 2011 6:14 am

      i wonder what the odds are of being overweight and a millionaire

  2. ghostcat permalink
    March 16, 2011 1:04 am

    Haha, “cherish what you have, unless what you have isn’t as much as what someone else has.” You just changed my life.

  3. woofbuzzbuzz permalink
    March 18, 2011 9:30 am

    does that check say $1,185,286 dollars and 45(!) cents? what a shame! they were so close to having $1,185,286 and a can of soda from 2002.

  4. woofbuzzbuzz permalink
    March 18, 2011 9:30 am

    BTW

    check out this blog for cool dudes:

    http://www.woofbuzz.wordpress.com

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