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March 4, 2011

The other day, I went to Urban Outfitters because I heard fedoras were on sale and I was all like, “Maybe with my new hair I can finally not look like a twerp when I put on a hat. Also! $6.99 is totally in my price range.”  Well it turned out that I still look like a d-bag when I wear a hat – any hat – so I walked around the store picking up stuff, then walked around some more, putting the stuff back as neatly as I could and hoping the employees weren’t thinking I was just a crazy homeless (although, really, I don’t give a shiiiiiiit what those employees think of me (ok, yes I do)).

Anyway, I spent an hour at that (surprisingly and weirdly empty) store and left empty-handed, because I’m always doin’ the numbers in my head, as I am a poor and a feather necklace or maxi dress means I have to forgo that tub of cottage cheese I’ve had my eye on. Plus I have disturbingly bad buyer’s remorse.

Which is why it surprises me that, 15 minutes ago, I bought these puppies for my dogs.

Why am I spending over $200 on heels when I don’t wear heels? I am an ignoramus!

But I’m doing that thing you do, after you buy something that is clearly unnecessary, where you justify your purchase by listing (either in your head or out loud to your cat or turtle) your mundane achievements as if they were something worth listing to your cat or turtle.

ex. “I remembered to feed my cat/turtle today! I deserve these shoes!”

Well now I have to be creative to make up for this dumb purchase, and here’s what I was thinking (I think we could all benefit from this):

  • No kitten kibbles for the kat, only trash
  • No cottage cheese
  • No laundry
  • I mean, do laundry at present frequency
  • No drugs
  • Ok no paying for drugs
  • Have my meals at the dine-n-dash
  • Take Christie’s cigarettes more often
  • Hoard them
  • No birth control
  • Kill potential babies with potentially free drugs
  • Sell our silverware
  • Pull people’s gold teeth and sell them

Ok, I’m going to go stick my head in the oven now.  Please bury me in my new Swedish Hasbeens.

One Comment leave one →
  1. Anonymous permalink
    March 4, 2011 2:18 pm

    I’m going to steal your shoes.

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