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Linger on, your pale ass skin

March 1, 2011

Christie’s post about tanning had me reevaluating what I thought were my best photobooth pics.  Is it true? I asked my screen image, who after a slight delay, mouthed the same question to me.  Would guys rather bone the Minka Kellys than the Nicole Kidmans? Do they want to put their tongues down Jordana Brewster’s (yeah she’s still alive) throat rather than Jim Gaffigan’s?  It seems like the obvious answer is “Yeah, duh, Minka Kelly is way hotter and Nicole’s a freak.  Plus Jim Gaffigan’s weiner.”

But wait! Shut up for a second, world! Lemme think.  For the tough questions (i.e. is my girlfriend a slut?, how many calories are in an Oasis falafel sandwich?, does catnip work on humans?), I turn to Yahoo! Answers.  Turns out, a user named ‘Age’ has already asked this question.

The ‘best’ answer comes from Bullet4myVal, a 16-year-old nobody.

I guess this teen dream does go for pale girls, but he’s hurting my case. On to BUSTACAA, who is the Switzerland of women’s skin.

Um, thanks B, but we need a decision.  Oh howdy, Redneck, I believe you have something to say?

Thanks! I think. Except wait. You probably are from my hometown and have a Confederate flag on your Dodge Ram and want to tell me what to do with my uterus but we’re not here to talk about politics we’re here to talk about whether or not pale girls pale I’m getting uncomf because your raging hard on is making your Wranglers look awful please leave.

Yahoo! Answers failed me.  But Google image search surely will help!

And finally, most importantly, Pale Male, the hawk prince of Central Park. “Tan Man” doesn’t have as much of an impact.

Case closed. Keep slathering on that SPF 90, ladies. And wear a hat. Or just stay inside and watch Hulu! Rednecks everywhere will come beating down your door to have sex with you with their rock hard boners.

3 Comments leave one →
  1. Shoemake permalink
    March 2, 2011 1:56 am


  2. March 4, 2011 11:58 pm

    I’m so glad you have a blog!

  3. David Roesing permalink
    March 10, 2011 9:41 am

    Way put Yahoo Answers in it’s place! Sock it to ’em! #truth in comedy

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