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>My dogs on the streets, my dogs in the hood, my dogs in the project up to no good

February 26, 2011


Think back to 1992. 1995. 1998. Now the summer of 1998. Maybe downloading movies existed then, I don’t know I was 13 and lazy, but if you’re from San Antonio, Texas and had my mother, you were at the Santikos theater that for whatever reason let you use counterfeit movie tickets that were bought at the gas station.

Sometimes the cute baby-mustached boys from my middle school who looked like they were in gangs but really weren’t would hang outside of Santikos all day, and because I wasn’t yet at the point where “being myself” was as cool/cute/mysterious/skinny as I would have preferred, I would sneak into movies of my choice. I figured I was way too old to even be allowed into Babe: Pig in the City, but for whatever reason, I HAD TO SEE IT. And from 1992 onward, I HAD TO SEE every talking animal movie that graced the big screen.

I would go on to see Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey (it was incredible), Milo and Otis, Dr. Doolittle (1 and 2), and Men in Black (1 and 2). The animal didn’t have to be protagonist for me to see it (MIB), but it helped (HB). At the time, these movies were all as cool/cute/funny as I had hoped for, but now I’ve got some beef with them. Let’s start with a clip from HB2:

You might be thinking: this clip needs no explanation! It’s doggone good! In which case, let’s look at a clip from BPITC:


One way or another, you’re going to have a preference, and it’s going to say a lot about you. Choose one and you’re pegged as having no imagination, complacent with exaggerated voice-overs. Maybe a lousy kisser with an ok personality. Choose the other and you’re on the slippery slope of sending all of your friends talking baby clips where their mouths (lips) move. Maybe you’ve been called freaky once before.

I know what I prefer, but that’s not to say the right dog/cat/goose/pig couldn’t change my mind. Or, if you’re a dude who hung out at Santikos between 1992-1998 and wore some kind of jersey, PLEASE GET IN TOUCH.

5 Comments leave one →
  1. March 1, 2011 6:33 am

    >I hate talking mouth- animals!!!!!!!!! Its almost as bad as digital dancing babies in diapers. It is really creepy to try to force animals to be just like people, especially when your idea of people is a bunch of hooded hamsters listening to rap music and driving in a Kia. Ok, this is literally the worst.

  2. March 1, 2011 6:36 am

    >seriously, Im sorry to freak out on your new blog but this is like one of the worst things about the modern world. Talking animals are fine. give them peanut butter and and make their mouths move like mr. ed. Don't fucking spend a million dollars to pay some despicable fat computer dork graphic designer to make their mouths move like people. people are gross. i hate their gross mouths!!!!!!! Im going to freak out, I have to stop talking about this.

  3. March 1, 2011 6:48 am

    >Ok I watched the second video. it's actually fine. Im fine with that. because their mouths aren't moving in a horrible obscene exaggerated human way. they just move up and down like good animal mouths should. What makes me mad is when people try to make animals look just like people. they shouldnt do that. it takes all of the natural dignity of animals away from them and lumps them all into one big mushy category of being people-wanna-be's.

  4. March 1, 2011 8:01 am

    >no no nooooo why did i just watch that kia commercial?!? making animals relatable so you can relate to driving a kia? the counting crows-looking drummer hamster is the absolute worst. and the lady hamster checking out the dudes. all of them. woof.

  5. Rubs permalink
    March 5, 2011 2:16 am

    They really should just get rid of mouths on animals. I HATE MOUTHS

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